PB&J

MMM...peanut butter and strawberry jelly. I just opened up a new pb jar and thought back to when I was 8 or 10, when the ad for Skippy came on with the mom scooping out the first bit of pb into a heart shape. The kids sing: "my momma loves me, she loves me a bunch, cuz she always puts skippy in my lunch". And how I made my mom do it, and then made myself (as the eldest) do it each time after mom stopped caring how the pb came out of the jar. Because certainly if the commercial mom did it for her kids because she loves them, certainly my mom had to do it, or if she wouldn't, I needed to do it, because what will my little brother say to a non-heart shaped bit of pb doing out of the jar?!?!?! How can I tell him that Mom doesn't love us?!?!?! Damn you skippy.

QUESTIONS IN FIVES

Fifteen years ago:

• 1990: 12 years old, almost a horrendously emotionally charged teenager in 6th and 7th grades. Life was almost perfect, I knew everything. Duh! Sike! I totally was a conversational genius-NOT! :)
• My little sister was born earlier in January. I loved her SOOO MUCH until she hit 8-ish years old. And became a spoiled brat. I'm starting to like her again now, at age 15.
• Beginning of 1990: 6th grade, in love with Eddie J, cutest 7th grader ever. I believe I told my mother that I would "die twice" for the boy. He dissed me. I hope the little punk is in jail or married to some prom queen who has since become a nasty nasty lady who makes him sad that he never gave the shy girl with glasses any notice.
• End of 1990: 7th grade, in an art class with Sam Webster, who would become the first boy I had real true teenage feelings for until I was about 19. Yeah- that would sum up my teenage love.
• I lived for New Kids on the Block. I loveeeeeddd Jordan Knight (Surreal Life, now, ew). For a year. Then tore all the posters down and became a real teenager with crazy moodiness enthralled in Boys to Men, Nirvana, and Metallica.
  

Ten years ago:

• 1995: 17 years old, in 11th grade. In the beginning of January, about to claim first chair flute in the high school band, cheerleader, surrounded by fabulous friends, 2 or 3 that I still talk to a couple times a year. The end of January, in a new school, 5th chair flute, no cheerleading aspirations with the hookers from the new school, two close friends made..haven't talked to either in a VERY long time.
• Went to prom for first time with cutie Nathan R, good catholic boy who ended up married off by age 20, I believe. I would ALMOST stake my soul that he has at least 4 kids by now.
• Really wanted to go to prom with Bryan L. who totally wanted me to screw around with but probably nothing more. He got maybe to 2nd base-ish. In the chorus room. Hehe.
• I would talk on phone about both above boys with bff from first school: Janny-Lee C. I would tell FASCINATING stories about the chorus room in code, because as a highly emotional teenager I felt that my mother was spying on me and that if I spoke in sentences like: "and then he kissed your forehead, nose and lips?? Oh Janny-Lee that must have been crazy romantic for YOU!!!!!" that my mom would never have a clue. And then Janny-Lee would ask me yes or no questions to complete the story. God, I wish I had someone to hide something from now.
• Found love for Vince Gill (in addition to my hiphop-heavy metal fascination), Harrington Fair, Rolling the Bowl in Easton, my men were Meth and Biggie, and my favorite movies: Mallrats, Seven, and Outbreak.
  

Five years ago:

• 2000: 22 years old, failed out of Western MD College, wasted $25K, totally in love and ready to marry Mike M., lived with Rach aka awesome college roommate, and am still happy that I know and love her after living with her.
• Started life at "the office" met the start of many, many close friends who I still love (and talk to this day) at this weird, crazy, slightly depressing address that I still struggle to run away from.
• Was able to bring Joe Dimagio, best cat in the world, to live with me full time after a year with my parents had custody while I was away at college.
• Went through bad depression due to failing out of school, feeling like I had wasted more than just my own life.
• Decided to become midwife.
  

One year ago:

• 2004: 26 years old, still trying the school thing, sometimes doing well, sometimes failing like a punk, again.
• Still at "the office" becoming less and less content in the situation.
• Went to London, Glasgow, and Inverness by myself, had a life changing experience. Met three of the most beautiful, thoughtful people who were kind enough to open their homes to me. Made peace with myself for past sins and decided that I am bound to my wanderlust ways like a marriage. Heh. I'm married to travelling.
• Met my best friend and his Brazillian family and friends through the Diner. I imagine that this boy will be with me throughout my years as my travel partner, motivator, and sunshine.
• Match.com and the crazy, cool, weird boys I met. Hehehehehehe. That is worth a WHOLE nother blog and a half.
  

Yesterday:

• Woke up with same splitting headache that plagued me for the whole weekend. Probably due to too much sleep and too little food. Which is why I work myself to death. And to pay for my marriage.
• Played Beyond Good and Evil and am now a total addict to that game as well my love, Tropico.
• Slept more. Headache more. More ibuprofen. Shoot me. WHINE.
• Went to dinner with Sherry R, crazy nutty wonderful lady. Yummy Lebanese Taverna in a fancy high priced restaurant setting (I'm used to the fast food cafe style LT).
• Tried on stretchy Gloria Vanderbilt jeans a size too small at SYMS. They looked sweeeeet. But I am too cheap and broke after $30 dinner, so made my way back MD feeling better about the whole VA experience

Five songs I know all the words to:

• Untouchable Face - Ani DiFranco
• Polyester Bride - Liz Phair
• não vá embora - Marisa Monte
• Green Eyes - Coldplay
• Love Me or Leave Me - Nina Simone
  

Five snacks I eat:

• vanilla pudding and frozen bananas
• popcorn, tons of seasoning - mmm salty garlicy goodness
• Hohos (frozen)
• ice cream sandwiches, plain vanilla please, no fancy neopolitan or mint crap
• any Kinder chocolate, Bueno, Hippo, etc (why is it not available in the US?!?!?!?!?!?!?!)
  
  

Five things I would do with $100,000,000:.

• Finish all of my schooling in record time
• Buy a house on the water
• Travel for three months straight, every year, for the rest of my life
• Share with family, friends, and good folk who need it and/or can do better things with it
• Try not to piss it away and do something constructive with it.
  

Five places I would run away to:

• U.K.
• Canada
• Holland
• New Zealand
• Iceland
  

Five things I would never wear :

• Real Fur (although leather is fine, because I am a hypocrite)
• gauchos. just. can't. do. it. even with the cute boots.
• Anything that will show my stomach except a 2 piece. I could give a rat's ass what you think of me when I am at the beach. I live for the beach, can't break my high.
• 80s clothes. I left it in the 80s, baby. No leggings, no rolled up jeans, no legwarmers or armwarmers, nor ripped off the shoulder shirts thinking I am Pat Benatar.
• ponchos. Just Not Me.
  

Five favourite television shows:

• Anything "story" on TLC: Baby, Dating, Wedding, Makeover, whatever. That is totally my soap opera on the weekdays I am home.
• The OC. I'm super behind, but Heather and Bree have the DVD for season 2, so I WILL SEE YOU AGAIN RYAN ATWOOD!!
• What Not to Wear - only the version with Trinny and Susannah
• Naked Chef (or any other Jamie Oliver creation
• Sesame Street
  

Five great joys:

• Beach: the sounds, the warmth of the sun on my skin, the smell of saltwater
• Learning and seeing new things and remembering how small you are in the grand scope of things.
• Firsts: First snow, first bloom, first day warm enough for flip flops, first pick from a harvest
• Male smells (the good, clean kind) and soft hair to play in
• Doing something new, scary, and discovering that you love it and should have done it sooner.
  

Five favourite toys:

• Magic 8 Ball that sits on my desk at work for my amusement and fortune telling
• Little People, Barbie, Gem, My Little Pony, GI Joes
• Tropico. I'm a fiend, really.
• Tabitha, who sits in the closet waiting for me to revert to my childhood
• Tickle Me Elmo, who gives Tabitha hope, as I Was 19 when I bought him
  

Five current reads:

• Crossings by Danielle Steel, in a box of old books given to me. Ahh, one step above trashy romance
• Just finished Kite Runner on the flight to London. sniff sniff. And reread Anne Frank's diary in Amsterdam. Sigh.
• Paulo is trying to get me to read Rule of Four and The Historian
• Anything Terry Pratchett to lighten the load
• washingtonpost.com, yahoo news, and cnn.com...at least 4 times a day. Oh! And the blogs, which are too many to list right now but I might cut and paste my favourite links some day to my own blog

Sick Girl (can I hook up with Johnny Lee Miller?)

Like a big security blanket, my work jacket engulfs me in security and comfort. It's hard to leave the warmth of the big black fleece, especially a cold morning like today. It's much easier to sit in its huge presence and let it absorb all the cool and unfavorable things around me. I long for my headphones, the ability to drown out the flakiness of my coworker and the neediness of her voice, irritating me right down to the tip of my cold little toes.

Yes, I am being poetic and yes there is deeper meaning.

In other news, I'm sick. Achy. Sore throat and a little headache. And I know it's only just begun.

I love my best friend. He is truly the sweetest person on the face of the earth. Observe...
Jamie: I'm sick. I left work early and slept all afternoon.
Paulo: Aww. I wish I was there to help you feel better and feed you good healthy food, give you tea and vitamins, tuck you in and kiss you on the forehead.
Jamie: (WAAAAAHHHHH!!!) Thanks Poppy, you're the best friend ever.
And after promising to go get vitamins and eat healthy and get more sleep, I am sitting here eating a bacon cheeseburger and onion rings and a coke because I am lazy and I didn't pick up cold meds or vitamins either. How can someone who is such a good listener be so bad at following directions that are good for her???

Why the hell are there helicopters flying back and forth over my house?!?!?!?! Holy fucking Shit!! It's 9:47 and I'm going to have a nervous breakdown if this doesn't stop soon!!!!!

Watching Karate Kid 1 and trying to get some more sleep. Blah sick blahness. Shoot me.

I Wear the Mask

In my not drunk, but had a couple beers emotional turmoil right now, I am just curious how many people in the world really know me. I am *THE* person that everyone says, "yeah, she's great...good heart, wonderful person, etc etc etc..." I am only that person because I have the patience to listen on and on and not expect that my thoughts, feelings, or experiences are worth being brought into conversation. No one really knows me. Really. Possibly, if each of my friends were to bring everyone's experience in regards to me all together, they may be able to convey an accurate picture of who I really am...but really...even my best friends in the world, I don't feel very close to right now, I feel like everyone in the world looks at me and says, "she's cool, but I don't really know a lot about her." Am I just a good actress when I want to be???

We wear the mask that grins and lies, It hides our cheeks and shades our eyes, --This debt we pay to human guile; With torn and bleeding hearts we smile, And mouth with myriad subtleties.

Why should the world be overwise, In counting all our tears and sighs? Nay, let them only see us, while We wear the mask.

We smile, but, O great Christ, our cries To thee from tortured souls arise. We sing, but oh the clay is vile Beneath our feet, and long the mile; But let the world dream otherwise, We wear the mask!

Paul Lawrence Dunbar. Why do I love this poem so, why do I connect so deeply with it??? Because this is me, I hide everything from everyone. So many facets, so many masks, who am I??? Why have I heard in my life so many times that I am so mysterious and I am such a loner? Aye. Because I am. I wear the mask.

Truly I want to know someone well and be able to open up to someone...but the more I think about it and the more I contemplate wanting that intimacy, the less I care to put myself out there again for so many duds, for so many who would stomp on my heart and soul and not give one flying fuck. As much as I would like to think that truly two people can have a happy monogamous relationship (really I don't), more I just want to be able to give my best friends in the world that other part of me, behind the mask. The one that isn't so sure, isn't nice, and really isn't very patient. I don't want anyone to see the ugly.