Him, again????

Yep, still on the train of thought of stupid boys that make my heart flutter. He walked past me today, close enough that I could smell him. We're still not talking, the closest we've gotten to communicating would be sharing tiny smiles at weird moments. Blegh.

I need a trim. My hair is out of control long again. I want to cut it, I don't even know why it got this long to begin with when it shouldn't ever get below my shoulders.

I'm a total Buffy/Angel Freak. I just saw the episode Hush with the Gentleman. Hee! Crazy scary!! Thank you Netflix for making my days off full of crap tv.

Speaking of which, back to E! Yep. Jamie is watching tv. And not even discovery channel.

BC, Yoga, Houseguests and Roomies

I have BC! Hurray Depo! Hurray no period! Hurray for more stable moods!

And I went to Yoga! Which was not hurray, but it'll do. If I don't like the other instructors at the Y (this one's voice was a little irksome, not very soothing and yogic??) then I will shell out $130 for ten week periods and go back to my serene, patient, strong self.

And my houseguests are leaving soon! Like Sunday! I'll miss the company, but will LOVEEEEEE having my space back to myself. I'm so selfish. And I don't care.

And I may be getting a new (old) roomie. Hm. Dave may be moving back in after 2 years away. I don't know how I feel about that one. I never see the other two roomies, and I know Dave is such a homebody. Like me. :) He's cool. A little stupid about women, asian women especially. But we'll see. Cheaper rent. Maybe get the lease off of my name.

Off to bed, I work tomorrow early and hopefully get out early too. Go to a viewing of a friend's mother. (eh.) And rest on Sunday and Monday. Sigh.

Gonna be a Bright Sunshin-y Day

I can see! The contacts came today! Hurray!!!

Saw Nanny McPhee tonight!! Hurray! I LOVE Colin and Emma. :) And cute kid from Love Actually that doesn't seem to get older, even though he was born the same year as my sister (she looks 16???).

I was asked today if I was related to Fathead. Why?? Because it seems that Fathead has told my coworker to "watch out" when it comes to me in a very serious tone. This coming from a very nice, yet not attractive latino man who works in our restaurant. (Yes, I did date El Boliviano for a while, but this guy is way older and not as cute and I'm not hooking up with everyone I work with, SHIT.) The way it came off to me was that someone wants to be my Big Brother. Well, Guess what, Fathead. I'm the BIG SISTER. I HAVE little siblings! I DON'T NEED NO STINKING BIG BROTHER. Grrrrrrrrr. This is also after Fathead mentioned to EB that we were "Too close". GRRRRR. Obviously this man does not realize how much this irritates the living shit out of me. This "let's take care of poor angelic little Jamie" bit. Please let me keep this all in check until I get my shot. Yes. I am still missing that. And I may just bite someone's head off. Hoepfully not someone who pays me.

In more good news, I found a rt tic to London for $360 for my birthday. I'm considering bussing it to Edinburgh for a couple days and spending the rest of the time with Paulo and Marcella. Exciting stuff!!!!!! I will probably buy the ticket within the end of the week. IIEEEEEE!!!! I don't know that I'll get to go to Greece in the summer since Mr. Man has become MrICanDoItAllAndGoBackToBrazilInTheSummerToo and I feel like I need to get going while I can and not wait for him to find the time. Maybe I should reconsider India? :)

Ciao for Now, my babies.

Songs in my Head before I go to Bed

This is what I'm listening to tonight, yet another night I Can't sleep:

She's sun and rain, fire and ice. A little crazy but it's nice. And when she gets mad, you best leave her alone. She'll rage just like a river, then she'll beg you to forgive her. She's anything but typical, She's so unpredictable. Oh, but even at her worst, she ain't that bad. She's as real as real can be, And she's every fantasy. Lord, she's every lover that I've ever had. 1

Well, my time went so quickly, I went lickety-splitly out to my ol' fifty-five. As I pulled away slowly feelin' so holy God knows I was feelin' alive. And now the sun's comin' up, I'm ridin' with Lady Luck, freeway cars and trucks. Stars beginning to fade and I lead the parade just a wishin' I'd stayed a little longer. Lord, don't you know the feelin's gettin' stronger. 2

If I had a boat, I'd go out on the ocean. And if I had a ponyI'd ride him on my boat. And we could all together,Go out on the ocean. Me upon my pony on my boat. 3

It's amazing how you can speak right through my heart. Without sayin' a word, you can light up the dark. The smile on your face lets me know that you need me, There's a truth in your eyes saying you'll never leave me. The touch of your hand says you'll catch me if ever I fall. You say it best, when you say nothing at all. 4

E no meio de tanta gente eu encontrei você. Entre tanta gente chata sem nenhuma graça. Você veio. E eu que pensava que não ia me apaixonar. Nunca mais na vida. Eu podia ficar feio só perdido. Mas com você eu fico muito mais bonito. Mais esperto. E podia estar tudo agora errado pra mim Mas com você. Dá certo. Por isso não vá embora. Por isso não me deixe nunca, nunca mais. Por isso não vá, não vá embora. Por isso não me deixe nunca, nunca mais. Eu podia estar sofrendo caído por ai. Mas com você eu fico muito mais feliz Mais desperto. Eu podia estar agora sem você mas eu não quero. Não quero. 5

Ando por aí querendo te encontrar. Em cada esquina paro em cada olhar. Deixo a tristeza e trago a esperança em seu lugar. Que o nosso amor pra sempre viva Minha dádiva. Quero poder jurar que essa paixão jamais será. Palavras, apenas. Palavras pequenas. Palavras Ando por aí querendo te encontrar. Em cada esquina paro em cada olhar. Deixo a tristeza e trago a esperança em seu lugar. Que o nosso amor pra sempre viva. Minha dádiva. Quero poder jurar que essa paixão jamais será. Palavras, apenas. Palavras pequenas. Palavras momentos. Palavras palavras. Palavras palavras. Palavras, ao vento. 6

Sweet like candy to my soul, Sweet you rock and sweet you roll. Lost for you, I'm so lost for you. You come crash into me. And I come into you,I come into you. I watch you there, through the window. And I stare at you. You wear nothing but you wear it so well, tied up and twisted the way I'd like to be. 7

'Twas late December the news came. And I got so excited, I cried all day. And you were such a lovely, precious sight. When I saw our baby in your eyes. It was like falling deep in love. I heard the angels cry above. I felt a blessing straight from God. The day that you gave me a son. Oh such tears of joy, I've never known. I can't remember. It's like a song, I've never heardI've never sung, but know the words. 8

It still feels like our first night together, Feels like the first kiss and it's getting better baby. No one can better this. The first time our eyes met. Only feels much stronger. I remember the smell of your skin, I remember everything, I remember all your moves, I remember you. 9

We agreed that it was over. Now the lines have all been drawn. The vows we made began to fade. But now they're gone. Put your pictures in a shoebox. And my gold ring in a drawer. I'm not supposed to love you anymore. 10

You’ve got a way with me. Somehow you got me to believe, In everything that I could be. I gotta say, you really got a way. You’ve got a way with words. You kept me smiling even when it hurts. There’s no way to measure what your love is worth. I can’t believe the way you get through to me. Oh, how I adore you, like no one before you. I love you just the way you are. 11

Oh, I could hide 'neath the wings Of the bluebird as she sings.The six o'clock alarm would never ring. But it rings and I rise,Wipe the sleep out of my eyes. Cheer up, Sleepy Jean. Oh, what can it mean. To a daydream believer And a homecoming queen. 12

Alone again tonight, Without someone to love. The stars are shining bright So one more wish goes up. Oh I wish I may And I wish with all my might, For the love I’m dreaming of, And missing in my life. I guess I must be wishin On someone else's star. It seems like someone else Keeps gettin' what I’m wishin for. Why can't I be as lucky as those other people are? I guess I must be wishin On someone else's star. 13

She'll let you in her house, If you come knockin' late at night. She'll let you in her mouth, If the words you say are right. If you pay the price, She'll let you deep inside. But there's a secret garden she hides. She'll let you in her car, To go drivin' round. She'll let you into the parts of herself That'll bring you down. She'll let you in her heart, If you got a hammer and a vice. But into her secret garden, don't think twice. 14

Not a word was spoke between us, there was little risk involved. Everything up to that point had been left unresolved.Try imagining a place where it's always safe and warm."Come in," she said,"I'll give you shelter from the storm." 15

The sweetest thing I've ever known Was like the kiss on the collarbone. Soft caress of happiness. I wish I didn't get so weak. Ooo, baby, just to hear you speak. Warm as the sun dipped in black. Fingertips on the small of my back. More valuable than all I own. Like your precious dark skin tone. 16

How it breaks my heart to cause you this pain.To see the tears you cry falling like rain. I still believe in you.With a love that will always be Standing so strong and true. Baby I still believe in you and me. Somewhere along the way I guess I just lost track. Only thinking of myself never looking back. For all the times I've hurt you - I apologise. Give me the chance to prove That nothing's worth losing you. 17

think i'm going for a walk now. i feel a little unsteady. i don't want nobody to follow me, except maybe you. i could make you happy, you know if you weren't already. i could do a lot of things. and i do. tell you the truth i prefer the worst of you. too bad you had to have a better half. she's not really my type, but i think you two are forever. and i hate to say it, but you're perfect together. so fuck you, and your untouchable face. and fuck you for existing in the first place. and who am i? that i should be vying for your touch. and who am i? i bet you can't even tell me that much. 18

Unsure what the balance held, I touched my belly overwhelmed by what I had been chosen to perform. Oh this crazy circumstance, I knew his life deserved a chance. But everybody told me to be smart. Look at your career they said,Lauryn baby, use your head, but instead i choose to use my heart. 19

It was only one hour ago. It was all so different then. Nothing yet has really sunk in. Looks like it always did. This flesh and bone, It's just the way that we are tied in. But there's noone home. I grieve for you. You leave Me. So hard to move on. Still loving what's gone. Said life carries on. Carries on and on and on. And on. The news that truly shocks is the empty, empty page. While the final rattle rocks Its empty, empty cage. And I can't handle this. Let it out and move on. And on. Life carries on in the people I meet. In every one that's out on the street. In all the dogs and cats, In the flies and rats, In the rod and the rust. In the ashes and the dust. Life carries on and on and on. Just the car that we ride in. The home we reside in. The face that we hide in. The way we are tied in. As life carries on and on and on. Did I dream this belief, Or did I believe this dream? How I will find relief? I grieve. 20

Eyes wide open. Always hoping for the sun. And she'll sing her song to anyone that comes along. Fragile as a leaf in autumn. Just falling to the ground Without a sound. Crooked little smile on her face Tells a tale of grace That's all her own. Spinning, laughing, dancing to her favorite song. A little girl with nothing wrong. And she's all alone. 21

Come away with me and we'll kiss On a mountaintop. Come away with me And I'll never stop loving you. And I want to wake up with the rain Falling on a tin roof. While I'm safe there in your arms. So all I ask is for youTo come away with me in the night. Come away with me. 22

I know somebody and they cry for you. They lie awake at night and dream of you. I bet you never even know they do, but somebody's crying. So please, return the love you took from me. Or please, let me know if it can't be me. 23

God, I feel like hell tonight. Tears of rage I cannot fight. I'd be the last to help you understand. Are you strong enough to be my man? Nothing's true and nothing's right. So let me be alone tonight. Cause you can't change the way I am. Are you strong enough to be my man? Lie to me. I promise, I'll believe. Lie to me. But please don't leave. When I've shown you that I just don't care, When I'm throwing punches in the air, When I'm broken down and I can't stand, Will you be strong enough to be my man? 24

I don't love her I tried to tell myself. But you can see it in my eyes. So don't deny I can't fool no one else. The truth is in the tears I cry. Cause if it isn't love, Why do I feel this way? Why does she stay on my mind? And if it isn't love Why does it hurt so bad, Make me feel so sad inside? If it isn't love. Maybe she'll take me back. I made a big mistake. Now I can feel it. I really love her(You love her? What!?) 25

Tonight you told me That you ache for something new. And some other woman is looking like something That might be good for you. Go on and hold her till the screaming is gone. Go on believe her when she tells you nothing's wrong. But I'm the only one Who'll walk across the fire for you. I'm the only one Who'll drown in my desire for you. It's only fear that makes you run
The demons that you're hiding from, When all your promises are gone. I'm the only one. 26

Don't look sexy but it just feels right, Not too dirty and it's not too tight. Why I never threw it out, I'll never know exactly why. Keep it in the drawer beside my bed. It's faded pink now, but it used to be red. Starting to fray at the seams, but I know that you'll still love me. Like you did, like you did. Like before, like before. Like we will, like we will. Be doin' it once more. Oh baby know what your like? You're like my favorite underwearIt just feels right, you know it. Oh baby know how you feel? You feel like my favorite underwear. And I'm slipping you on again tonight. Leave you lyin' on the bedroom floor. I leave you hangin' on the bathroom door. Take you for granted, but I'll always know exactly where you are. Lost you once you were hard to find. Got you back you didn't look like mine. Thought we were falling apart but you make me feel so pretty. 27

Times are hard and rents are high. What can a working girl do? But struggle through another day. Then I'll take care of you. Nights are long and dreams are cold, If they're all you wake up to. But should you rise with cryin' eyes, Then I'll take care of you. I'll be there but you might not see me. It's never easy to get through. But when the laughter dies away, Then I'll take care of you. 28

I like the way your sparkling earrings lay Against your skin so brown. And I wanna sleep with you in the desert tonight with a billion stars all around. Cause I got a peaceful easy feeling And I know you wont let me down. Cause I'm already standing On the ground. 29

You were the love for certain of my life. you were simply my beloved wife. I don't know for certain how I'll live my life. now alone without my beloved wife. my beloved wife.
I can't believe I've lost the very best of me. you were the love for certain of my life. for 50 years simply my beloved wife. with another love I'll never lie again. it's you I can't deny. it's you I can't defy. a depth so deep into my grief without my beloved soul I renounce my life as my right. now alone without my beloved wife. my beloved wife. my love is gone. she suffered long in hours of pain. my love is gone. would it be wrong if I should just turn my face away from the light? go with her tonight? 30

Nessun dorma!Nessun dorma! Tu pure, o Principe,Nella tua fredda stanza guardi le stelle,Che tremano d'amore e di speranza! Ma il mio mistero è chiuso in me,Il nome mio nessun saprà!No, no, sulla tua bocca lo dirò,Quando la luce splenderà! Ed il mio bacio scioglierà.Il silenzio che ti fa mio! Il nome suo nessun saprà! E noi dovrem ahimè morir, morir! Dilegua o notte!Tramontate, stelle!Tramontate, stelle!All' alba vincerò!Vincerò! Vincerò! 31


And finally I go to sleep listening to Immortal Beloved Soundtrack, my very favorite cd of all time. My favorites (especially Piano Concerto No.5):
Piano Sonata No. 14 (Quasi Una Fantasia) In C-sharp Minor, Op. 27, No. 2 'Moonlight'
Piano Sonata No. 8 In C Minor, Op. 13 'Pathetique'
Piano Concerto No. 5 In E-Flat Major, Op. 73 'Emperor'
Missa Solemnis In D Major, Op.123
Symphony No. 7 In A Major, Op. 92
Symphony No. 9 In D Minor, Op. 125 (Ode to Joy)


1. Every Woman - Garth Brooks
2.Ol' 55 - Sara McLachlan
3.If I had a Boat - Lyle Lovett
4.When you say nothing at All- Alison Krauss
5.Não Vá Embora-Marisa Monte
6.Palavras ao Vento-Cássia Eller
7.Crash into Me-Dave Matthews Band
8.The Day-Babyface
9.Forgive Me-Bryan Adams
10.Not Supposed to Love you Anymore-Bryan White
11.You Got a Way with Me-Shania Twain
12.Daydream Believer-Monkees
13.Someone else's star-Bryan White
14.Secert Garder-Bruce Springsteen
15.Shelter from the Storm-Bob Dylan
16.Sweetest Thing-Lauryn Hill
17.I still believe in you- Vince Gill
18.Untouchable Face-Ani DiFranco
19. To Zion-Lauryn Hill
20.I Grieve-Peter Gabriel
21.Seven Years-Norah Jones
22.Come away with me-Norah Jones
23.Somebody's Crying-Chris Issak
24.Strong Enough-Sheryl Crow
25.If it isnt love-New Edition
26.Only One-Melissa Etheridge
27.Favorite-Liz Phair
28.I'll take care of you-Dixie Chicks
29.Peaceful Easy Feeling-Eagles
30.Beloved Wife-Natalie Merchant
31. Nessun Dorma-Luciano Pavarotti

Eye Contact

Today I had to look you in the eye, and ask you for something for my work.

It broke my heart to have to look into your beautiful face and be reminded how attracted I am to you, how kind your eyes have always seemed to me, and how I wanted nothing more than to kiss you and prove how much I miss you and how much I would like to think that you miss me. I could barely talk to you, I was so enthralled by the power you still have over me.

Things are how they are, and I miss you, but I'm still avoiding you...as you have done the same for so long now to me. Nothing has changed. You're the same person that hurt me three weeks ago, three years ago, three decades ago. It's all the same, only the names have changed. I take that back. Nothing has changed but the number.

Sorting, sorting, sorting...

Welcome to my thoughts.

Random, good, self-educating thoughts vs. Jamie is a little bit loopy after 3am.

Ugh. Why am I still up? I have to work in the morning, I want to do something good for myself, like yoga....OH and most importantly, I need a new tire (heh. flat tire on VD. Thank you, God-I enjoy being reminded how frigging independent I've become and how I need a man like a bicycle and blah blah blah. I totally would have rather had roses. Rather than a frigging FLAT TIRE).

Thinking thinking thinking. I'm not as centered as my previous self, as my yogic nature was last year, or better- the year before. Yoga. Wow. That's a longggggggggggg time ago. I heard on the radio tonight Alanis' Thank U, a song that's always made me want to go to India. :) Still makes me want to go. Go and do yoga. And eat Indian food. And flirt with Indian boys. And find myself in the elusive Walden that I have looked for all of my life. And. Well. That's all I've got.

I've always known that being able to look inside yourself and analyze feelings and all that bullshit makes me a more even-keel person (have I mentioned that I still haven't gotten my shot? The damn thing is in my purse. Someone just come over to my house with a syringe. Now. Please. Even if I'm not having sex, I'm a bitch right now and I will be a bigger one if I get my period for the first time in more than a year), but right now I am feeling too antsy to be quiet, and too full of hate to feel peace.

My mind is racing about how not so angelic I have been lately, how I've let too many people hurt/anger me so badly that I can't stand the sight of them, that I want to hurt them worse. And how this is not me. I'm not easily fired up. And I don't want harm to come to anyone, especially not by my bad attitude. I am a sulking angry person. I will give you the silent treatment for a day or two (thanks to the fam who taught me the best conflict resolution-avoidance) and love you again after the rage has subsided. I know that there are better ways to handle my anger, but I am so used to working around it that it's second nature. I don't even consider it a bad thing anymore. If it's important, I WILL TELL YOU. But if not, it's like adopting your spouse's annoying habits. I suck it up and get over it. Because the problem at hand is shared. Maybe even my own fault/misunderstanding anyway. But Lately, I have lost all my patience. Loss of yoga, and being overworked makes me stressed and unable to cope. I yell at everyone. Someone at the restaurant thinks I hate them. And not the person that I hate, either!

So. 4am. My bed looks so tempting over there. But my mind is go go go go going. I am such a good server sometimes. I really have it all together in the service industry: I can multi-task, sell you the moon, AND help out my coworkers as well (I had an insanely busy VD, and still managed to help our tender do service bar for our other staff. Stupid VD couples and their stupid VD drinks. I wonder if I will ever not hate that fucking holiday). I often wonder if I am just going to become stuck in a situation where I will need to be a waitress for the rest of my life. I am so good at it, that I just think that I can't do anything else. Even after 5+ years of EXEMPLARY work at the office, I still question that I Will be anything more. Could it be because I have missed out on classes YET AGAIN?!?!?!? Not going to blame anyone but myself. I chose to go to Brazil. I thought other things would happen, they didn't...so here I am. Waiting until Summer to finish those stupid three classes. Waiting. Again.

I did order contacts. Yay for being able to see again! Well. In 5-7 days, that is. I did deposit all that money I made on VD into the bank and bought two new pairs of pants for work. See? I can do stuff on my to-do list and not just sleep all day (I have to be honest: I only got up at 10:30am cuz B had a hankering for ihop. I would have totally stayed my ass in bed till about 1:30p without her text this morning). I need to figure out bills and calendar (omg I have something to do tomorrow night that's not work??!?!) and oh yeah, this whole conflict thing going on inside my head. This is just what I need. To be reminded that I AM IN CONTROL. G'night. Or rather, G'day in 3 hours. Gulp.

I've been found!

You have to adore someone that mails you a card for finding your blog. :) I ADORE YOU STEVE!!!

Oh well. The blog is what it is. It's really just for my benefit, a diary of sorts. But I share it with my friends who I don't talk to on a regular basis and if it was just for my use, I would keep it private. Read on as you wish. Just beware that my nice filter that keeps me a nice person in real life comes off sometimes (often) in my writing.


I worked all day yesterday. We were missing a server, so I was able to pick up tables on my barside and make some mad cash. I went home at 5pm and was called back in for a large party at 6pm. It was worth the wasted gas: new clean shirt and the best filet mignon I've ever had in my life. Hell. Yeah. Oh, and $75 for 3 hours of work. :)

I ripped one of my contacts on Monday morning while getting ready to go to the funeral. ugh. I haven't had much time to myself lately to go get a new pair and have been living with one eye. Again. I just need to go get lasik and be done with it. I'm way too careless when it comes to my eyes and to my contacts. Glasses would be easier. But, well, you know.

Maddie knit me the prettiest blue scarf and sent it along with some goodies for Mike for VD. Yeah, that's Valentine's Day, not Venereal Disease. I hate VD. Is it really this Tuesday? I may have to work just so I can try to forget that I was just dumped. I'm not bitter. It wasn't even a real relationship anyway. Bastard.

Off to a date with my favorite guy, Trader Joe and his friend, The Banque. And then off to work I go for Free Food Friday!!

Recapping My So Called Shitty Week

Just trying to get my life in order. I'm not where I want to be at all. I am cranky and wanting change NOW, LIKE YESTERDAY. And I can't change anything at 2:21am and it bugs the shit out of me. I've been watching The Boy in the Plastic Bubble, and reading news, and reading recaps of My So Called Life.

I'm mostly spending time being pissy about my best friend finding a new little girl to idolize until he realizes she's probably a materialistic little bitch...as all the other young women have been in his life. Because that's who my best friend chooses. Kinda like how I go for bipolar drug addicts/drunks. Ugh. And that's why I didn't call him today, because I couldn't bear to hear about stupid little girls that he's in love with after a two hour conversation. Am I jealous? OF COURSE. I somehow understand him and know what makes him tick and he adores me for this and I just want him to be happy, but why should I have to watch him make a stupid mistake...AGAIN because "she's cute". I have the HIGHEST regard for my best friend. When he tells me how he has joined yet another organization (a full time education, a full time job, a part time job AND NOW leadership responsibilities b/c "it will look good on his cv"), I really try to be supportive. Just know when to say no, I advise. And in the next breath he tells me he's in love. With a girl he's talked to for two hours in his entire life. Because she's just so pretty. And she's just so perfect for him. I run out of minutes on the calling card shortly after. Heh. GAG ME WITH A FUCKING SPOON. I hate my jealous rages and I hate being a spoiled little bitch who can't get her way and won't work hard enough to get her way and I am unhappy with my life and I am stuck. And I know it. And I'm trying to be better. So there.

Reason for Crankiness, #2: the guy I have been "dating" for like 8 months isn't following me. Let me explaing the "follow" principle. All girls live for it and most guys don't get it. Why didn't he follow me? Doesn't he care? This is the normal follow, something big happening in a relationship and to prove his love he needs to come get me, right??????? Doesn't that stupid Bolivian know I just need to know that he cares for me or that he cared for me once and I am a self-absorbed brat who can't say yes and won't say no and now I am second guess choices that I made and now I am even more cranky and thinking of getting cats. Cuz at 27 and 11/12s, I feel ilke I may become a cat lady. Soon. Like maybe after the dogs and my friend's husband leave my house.

Maybe I should move to another state. Like CA. Or Florida. Or Arizona. Or I don't know, but really I feel stuck in this pathetic thing I call a life lately and am becoming super bitter. Or maybe I should go get a syringe and give myself the shot. Cuz I'm due for my shot and certainly this has SOMETHING to do with my lunacy.

Off to bed. A morning bar shift awaits me tomorrow. Maybe I can make money, eh? Wouldn't that be novel???

Houseguests

I have houseguests! They arrived last weekend from NC, my good friend Maddie's husband and their two dogs.

It's been hard sharing space with my friends, both male and canine varieties. My computer and my tv are in my room, and I DID tell him he could use it freely. Can I wake up first please???? But I am a selfish selfish little girl that can see if anything has been put out of place in her room.

Oh! You used my shower?? Yes. I know. (Smirk)

But it's ok. It's for a month, not forever. I am just so used to being by myself, I tend to get a little anti towards all of my roomies (even the dogs). I'm not used to the barking and I am ultrasensitive to having them not disturb my rarely present roomies that actually pay rent.

It does make me wonder if I Will have serious issues sharing my room, should someone special pop into my life. (Seriously though, I am really picturing myself single. Forever.) I've had boyfriends with drawer space and medicine cabinet space...but really, that's about it. Sharing my room, my sanctuary of wonderful peaceful hours of Buffy, computer games, and blogs??? (SHUDDER)

# 50

I just realized that this is my fiftieth post. Certainly some sort of milestone for someone not good at keeping diaries such as myself.

Today I went to the second funeral of my life. This was for my Nannie, my Great-Grandmother: who at age 96 is leaving behind a husband of 76 years, my Pop Pop, and so many children, grandchildren, great grandchildren, and great great grandchildren that we gobbled up entire sections of pews in the church.

I was strong at the viewing yesterday. I shed only a few tears when I saw my grandmother in so much pain, saying goodbye to her mother. But today, I wept when the pipes wailed "Flowers in the Forrest" and wept again as we left the church, when my father helped take his grandmother out to the hurst.

I cry maybe once a month, alone...to release anger, hurt, frustration. If something bad has happened, I can let it run down my face with mere tears. I was horrified to be sitting in between my uncle and my brother without the ability to stop from sobbing. And horrified that I was questioning my grief for such an important woman.

I am covered tonight in the red afghan she made for me as a child (Why red? Did I tell her or my grandmother that I liked red? I don't remember, but today as an adult, it says so much about me and my personality). I long for jelly and cookies and breads that were sent over during Christmas for each family in her large family until she was in her 90s. I last saw her the day before I flew to Brazil, the day after Christmas. I'm thankful I have this moment to hold on to.

I grieve for her. I grieve for my parents and my grandparents' youth. I see my grandmother in a wheelchair, and although knowing her to be a tad dramatic...I see fraility in a strong woman. I See the same in my other grandmother, someone that looked 15 years younger than what she was 50. I worry about my parents, which causes harsh anxiety about their aging and dying, that will lead eventually to obsessing over my own aging and dying.

During the episcopalian service, communion was given. Eh??? Communion??? Never had it. No thanks, don't want it. I understand the meaning...but as the Catholics forbid anyone outside of their circle to take it (lest they care to burn in HELL??!?!?!?!), I have a strong desire NOT to take communion unless I feel at ease with my own religious and spiritual beliefs. Church culture is so foreign to me. Hymn books and Prayer Books and Christian stuff and all that. As a child, I would long to go to church and see what all the fuss is about. As an adult, I see Christianity as a secret club that excludes more than half of the world's population, while breeding hate (kinda un-christian-like, eh?) and greed. Another day for that rant.

On a lighter note, I just saw my favorite episode of South Park: Satan tells a certain former Iraqi ruler that he thought he had killed them. Low and behold, where was Sadaam going to go in death? Detroit? Heh. Seriously, in this same thought...Where does Ghandi go with his Hindu ways? Strong questions meant for another night as well.

For now, I'll close # 50.

I love you and I thank you, my Nannie. I'll miss you.