78 sucks.

I had a knock down off of my lovely high point this morning when I received my nervous system exam back: 78. SEVENTY MOTHER F___ING EIGHT. I thought about staring at the exam to find hidden points and realized that it wasn't worth it, and that I absolutely need to ace this next exam or no A for me. No A means everything else in my stupid plan is in jeopardy. Why did I go home on Thursday? Why did I watch Angel on Saturday when I got to go home early, rather than studying? Why couldn't I just pull the stupid allnighter on Sunday like I had planned instead of sleeping through my alarm at 5am to study?

So now I am upset and frustrated and angry that I didn't do better and that the professor doesn't teach better and that I have to do this stupid class at all. Off to go study. Because there's no use in just sitting here crying when I have studying to do.

counting blessings

My best friend quotes Kahlil Gibran when I need it most.

My grandmother is rehabilitating instead of declining. She's building up the endurance to walk more than 2 feet from her bed and she may even go home soon.

My father has found his love of cooking (healthy! who knew???), even with the difficulty he has with the new teeth.

I get random (real live snail) mail from my dearest Alissa, again...when I need it most.

My basement and car aren't flooded during this crazy rainy time (career change to ark-builder?).

Lovely Jess, who I've known since I was 12 has reminded me that "I'm worth it", even if she does make me crazy with asking the dreaded question: Anyone special in your life?? Not since I talked to you last week, m'dear.

I'm about 6-8 weeks away from applying to Nursing School.

There's cute boys to look at while I'm at work. Boys over 25 years old.

Brazil, Italy, and England are still in the World Cup. Who do I root for if they play each other???

I'm happy. I'm content. I'm single, but not at all alone.

School school school school

I don't think I did so hot on my exam today. I don't think I did poorly, but getting an A is out of the question and a B may require some blood. I have an A average, a 92 I think. I'm not worried about slipping with this exam, as the next two exams are easier and I can keep the A with low A's on both of the upcoming exams. Nerves and Senses? No Problemo, Boss. I am however worried that something will come up again and that my professor is an idiot. I let her know Wed night that I would be missing class the following day, and would be dropping off my homework that night. She assigned an essay on Thursday. And didn't respond to my email. And didn't allow me the chance to do this assignment. Although I received full points on all of my homework, I have a feeling that she didn't get it until this morning. Because she's disorganized and makes me cringe with the words "Spelling Bee" or even better: "Bone Jeopardy". I really think she would be an excellent middle school teacher. Spur of the moment games to Enlighten Students! and no real structured plans.

I'm taking a Technical Writing Class for the next 5 weeks online. I realized that U of Md hates me and won't accept the writing classes I took so long ago and wants me to take another. So.. technical writing for business? Ooh. That means grant writing and journals and stuff like that, right? No. It means resume writing. I HAVE A BOMB RESUME. I WRITE RESUMES FOR OTHERS. Shoot me. I'm bored already. BUT! This means that the class is an easy A and that I will have Numero Dos Recommendation. 2 down, 1 to go. I start Nutrition Class in 3 weeks, after A&P ends. Trying to get an online Stat Class for the remained of the summer and then.... Application to Md in Mid Aug! Acceptance in Early Sept! Starting Nursing School in January! I feel like I need a MUUUHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. I have a grand plan and damn, it feels good being close to doing what I want.

I'm contemplating adopting a dog again. Can't do a cat: Larry is allergic. I have enough time at home lately, but with impending full FULL time school, I may have to reconsider. There is the lack of fence that worries me too. But look at him. Sigh.

Off to bed, and maybe a quick date with Mr A&P.

Mame! I wanna live forever...

Oops. Wrong song. Mom and I went to see Mame today. Really, really good show. I was glad to get her mind away from things for a little bit.

My grandmother is stable, doing a little better, even. We're all in waiting mode.

I saw someone that I worked with at the office today, I would go so far to call her my girl crush. Extremely smart, beautiful, and a little wild. Ok. A lot wild. My crush actually waned soon after we met when I saw her out and about with her nightlife (read: porn) clothes on. Isn't that so girlie? A guy wouldn't say shit like that. Anyway... saw her, thought she was still hot. I thought the guy she was with was also hot. And I missed hanging out with her and a zillion other people from the office that I've distanced myself from, merely because the office reminds me of bad things.

Off to study for this stupid muscle test that I am dreading because it's SO HARD and I DONT WANT TO TAKE IT and I HAVE TO because I want the stupid A and the stupid recommendation. Stupid stupid stupid stupid. Pout. Pout. Getting up now.

Ne Me Quitte Pas.

My maternal grandmother is dying, and doing so very quickly. I am going to see her tomorrow, at the urging of my mother. I await news whether she'll be put in hospice care to be more comfortable in her last days, or if they'll keep her in the hospital because they can't/won't move her.



A couple thoughts swimming around:

• I've been smoking all non-chalantly, while drinking like a fish, and my grandmother is dying from emphysema.
• Anyone special in your life Jamie? No, Grandmom. I can't keep anyone in my life around to love me and marry me and I'm sorry that you won't be able to see me get married because I am a terrible granddaughter and I'm too picky and I will regret keeping this from you for the rest of my life.
• How close are you to finishing school Jamie? 2 more years Grandmom. Again. Me: Terrible granddaughter and I'm sorry for waiting so long and keeping this from you. The picture taken above was 10 years ago this month, and we both cried when I came out of the building after receiving my diploma, because I almost didn't graduate high school.
• My grandfather died from lung cancer a couple years ago after a longggg end. Mom warns me that this will be sudden. Did I mention, she was FINE last week?!?! How can it happen like this? How can I have so little time with her when my cantankerous Pop pop just hung out dying for months... years even?
• My paternal grandfather is going to the hospital tomorrow, to have a lung biopsy.
• I have to work on Saturday because I need the money, but I want nothing more than to stay with her.
• I bought not so cheap tickets to see Mame with my mom this Sunday and odds are that we will want nothing more than to stay with her.
• I have the hardest exam of my life thus far on Monday and I want nothing more than to stay with her.

I'm a mess. This can't be happening. She's only 67. My great grandmother who was 96 just died 4 months ago.

Ne Me Quitte Pas. Ne Me Quitte Pas. Ne Me Quitte Pas.

Where in the World...

Is Carmen Sandiego???

Nono. Actually, where else in the world can you be going through your anatomy exam with a friend after drinking entirely too much and then going outside to smoke (ew. I know.) and a random stranger comes up and quizzes you on your knowledge of appendicular anatomy??? DOWNTOWN SILVER SPRUNG. :)

Sometimes I love this place so much. I drive down GW Parkway and just look at the Washington Monument and think, "how did I get to this place??? Why am I so lucky to be looking at the most beautiful, contradictory city in the world?" I LOVE my country. It hurts me to see the pain we go through, (growing pains?) and as much as I love travelling and enjoying Europe...I still get a lump in my throat when I see the big phallic monument or the Lincoln Memorial. I almost cried the first time I stood at the top of Lincoln's perch and looked down at the same place where Martin Luther King Jr spoke his thrilling speech. Everytime I fly home from wherever, and hear that Washingtonian/District accent, I feel at home.

Sometimes i joke that I want to be deported to a place where health care is a part of the "package" and religion isn't a way for the older, racist generation to keep power by believing that they are a more "moral" society because they are "religious". I want my best friends to marry in the eyes of the law, to have society accept their love, and to raise their son in peace. I want to be able to say to my daughters that if they aren't ready for a child and they made a mistake that they can have an abortion without any sort of negative feedback. I want people to be able to worship (or not to worship) without judgment. I want a country where oppressed people can come, make a better life for themselves and their families, the same way that my ancestors did. I want a peaceful, pacifist society that uses words, not violence to solve the ills of the world. I stay in this country not because I am stuck here, because I was born here...but because I want to make it into the country that it can be. I want to make all my wishes into a reality for my sons and daughters. Can a lazy, midwife-to-be change the state of the world? Probably not. But I can hope that my wishes are heard by my Higher Power and that time evolves ALL things. I want to look back on this time and think how blessed we all are to see such beautiful changes occur. Time heals all wounds, no?

Now I go back to my anatomy book and thank God for that lovely African man who helped me study earlier tonight. And try not to throw up from all the bloody, nasty cigarettes I smoked "trying to keep the quitters from smoking again". Bah. I'm so stupidly idealist sometimes.

Night night.

Why CAN'T I study by osmosis????

I got an A on my exam. A 94.77%, to be exact. I wasn't content with it though. I felt like Paulo, upset that I wasn't the best in the class. Highering my expectations makes me competitive.
Especially with the woman that is going into pharmacy school and is taking A&P "for fun". BLEGH. Is this behaviour bad? Should I shut my trap about the stupid A, get 4 more A's on my exams and get my glowing recommendation and run? I don't work well with the professor's method of teaching. I started to hate her the moment she made me come up to do a spelling bee. Yes. A spelling bee for Anatomy. BUT IT HELPS! She says. AND ITS SO MUCH FUN!! Blegh. Just gimme my A and my glowing recommendation and I DON'T CARE.

Off to study. Yes, at 1:35am in the morning. You didn't think that A came by osmosis, did ya?

Sweetest Goodbye

Boy is leaving for Italy tomorrow. I dropped him at his hotel, pondered sending him off with a smile and thought about my Exam tomorrow morning at 9am. The exam won. The want for an A conquered even my lust for this cute boy. He gave me a quick kiss and so ends another chapter in my story.