a little blurry, but bright nonetheless

I'm having a rough day today.

Let me start again.

Most of my days in the past month here in Seattle have actually been good. I love the city so far. It's beautiful and the people, in general, make me happy. I have a couple jobs that I may not love but they keep me occupied, fed, and hopeful.

Back to the bad day.

I found someone today online that I knew in high school. Finding her (and her high school boyfriend that she married) reminds me of myself in high school and all of my insecurities and angst (and happiness and friendships and love). We all change. I am not the person I was then. Still doesn't make it hurt less.

This person was recently a bridesmaid for someone I thought the world of in high school. It hurt knowing that I haven't been able to stay in touch with this other person, that once upon a time we were destined to be bridesmaids in each others' weddings. At this point, I would love to have talked to her more than twice in the past 9 years. I phased several people out of my life in the past couple years that I thought to be harmful to my happiness and general mental health. Was this done to me without me knowing? I guess these things just happen and I am overreacting with my brain being full of not so good thoughts.

My grandfather is sick. He has gone through many rounds of chemo in the past year or two. It crossed my mind that when I left in May that there were people I wouldn't see again. I'm planning on going back soon, hopefully September. I hope I get to see him again.

I'm surrounded by couples and love and all that shit. It's making me really angry. Partly because I know it's a farce. And partly because it makes me realize how lonely I am. I think I'm just lost and my brain is full and I'm just overreacting. Tomorrow's another day, eh?

I am not the person I was 3 years ago when I started writing for all the world to see. I don't feel connected with what I share; even if it is just for my friends, my family, myself. That being said... I think this is it. At least for now.