Lost

I know I don't quite belong here. I really know I don't belong in Silver Sprung, or the Shore.

Where am I supposed to be?

I'm here for the next 2 years. Period. I have to finish school. I have to have this piece of my life complete by the time I am ready to move on. I know this.

I want to live someplace where there's diversity and a nice mix of hippies and people that don't wear patchouli and that care about what my goals are. Can I have that balance? Is it even in the U.S.? Is it anywhere?

I found a coin in my car last week that completely messed me up. It reminds me that it sucks to be dumped, that I am better as a free agent, and that I'm really missing being worshiped (even as a farce). I don't think I could be happy with my favorite Turk, but right now I am really missing something from that relationship.

I know that I'm asking too much. I know I need to accept those things that have been given to me and work with them.

The crazy thing is... I'm really content. I love the families I work for, I love TCS and all of it's big corporate blah dee blahs, I love dating blonde boys that make me laugh (and are secure in their future), and I love being so close to mountains that I tear up in pure joy and confusion when I see them (I live here? Really?!?!?).

And then I think that I've not given Seattle a real chance. That my longing to be near my family is just that... a longing. It has nothing to do with "home" and everything to do with growing apart from those I share blood.

And here I am. Watching. Waiting.

That's me. Ms. Confused.